The Case of the Emerald Shower
The Call
It was one of those calls that sticks to you like cheap cologne.
“My marble shower turned green overnight.”
Overnight. Nothing good ever happens overnight unless you’re talking about coffee or trouble. I grabbed my coat, my notebook, and the keys to my Woody. The old wagon had seen better days, but it always gets me where I need to go, eventually. Kind of like me.
Coffee and Clues
On the way, I stopped at Flo’s. You don’t think straight on an empty stomach. Flo poured the coffee strong enough to strip paint and slid a plate of eggs across the counter. I told her about the call.
“Green marble?” she said. “Sounds like it’s sick.”
“Aren’t we all,” I said.
The Scene
The house was quiet when I got there. Too quiet. The homeowner met me at the door with that look people get when their money has betrayed them. She led me to the bathroom, and there it was.
The shower looked like the Hulk had rented it for the weekend. Walls glowing green, marble gone bad. Not surface dirt, not soap scum. This was deep. The kind of deep you don’t scrub away.
Listening to the Stone
I leaned in close. The green wasn’t sitting on top. It was living inside the stone. That told me plenty. Marble always talks if you listen long enough.
I pulled out my flashlight and moisture meter. The numbers climbed faster than my blood pressure. Moisture everywhere, trapped and angry. The pipes were copper, hiding behind the walls like they had something to lose. Copper and moisture are old drinking buddies. Give them time and they start making trouble together.
The Sealer Problem
Then I smelled the sealer. Heavy. Thick. Someone had laid it on like they were frosting a cake. That was the final nail.
Here’s how it went down. Water moved through the marble like it always does. It hit the copper pipes and picked up a few bad habits. Copper salts, oxidation, chemistry doing what chemistry does. Then the sealer stepped in and locked the doors. No escape. No evaporation. Just pressure building up behind a polished smile.
When Stone Changes
The marble didn’t stain. It transformed. Once copper moves in, it rearranges the furniture and throws away the welcome mat.
By the time I finished testing, the shower looked less like a bathroom and more like a science exhibit. The homeowner asked the question everyone asks when hope is already bleeding out.
“Can you fix it?”
The Hard Truth
I thought about Flo, the coffee, the quiet hum of my Woody waiting outside. I thought about honesty, which isn’t always polite but it’s always cheaper in the long run.
We talked options. Drying it out for months. Pulling stone. Rerouting pipes. None of it was pretty. The marble wasn’t coming back the way it was. That shower had crossed a line it couldn’t uncross.
Case Notes
I wrote it up and filed it away as “The Case of the Emerald Shower.” It became one people talked about. Contractors whispered about it. Inspectors nodded knowingly. A perfect storm of moisture, metal, and misplaced faith in a sealer.
I drove back to Flo’s after. Had another coffee. Let the steam rise and disappear, something that shower never got to do.
Stone needs to breathe. Sealers aren’t miracles. And moisture always tells the truth, even when it turns your marble green just to make sure you’re listening.
Case closed.
