The Case of Why is My Marble Dull
Hear this story read aloud.
A Morning at the Greasy Spoon
It was a Tuesday morning, the kind that makes you question why you ever got out of bed. I was sitting on my usual stool at the Greasy Spoon, the kind of joint where the coffee is strong enough to clean rust off rebar and the bacon could double as roofing shingles. Flo slid me a plate of eggs and muttered, “Don’t complain, they’re edible today.”
That’s when the phone rang. I still don’t know how she puts up with me answering calls in her diner, but business is business.
The Call for Help
The voice on the line was nervous.
“Mr. Detective? My marble floor is dull. It used to shine like a mirror, now it looks like a chalkboard. I’ve tried everything. Must be the cleaner, right?”
I finished my eggs, tipped Flo just enough to keep her from spitting in my coffee tomorrow, and headed over. The house was pristine, the kind where you’re afraid to breathe too hard. She pointed at the marble floor like it had personally insulted her.
“See? No shine. I mop every day with cleaner, but nothing helps.”
The Investigation
I knelt down, ran my hand across the surface. No wax, no coating, just a uniform dullness. Something didn’t add up.
She pulled out the bottle of cleaner she’d been using. Neutral pH, nothing suspicious.
“This has to be the problem,” she said.
I shook my head. “Lady, the cleaner’s innocent. He’s got an airtight alibi. The culprit’s still hiding out there.”
The Hidden Suspect
I pulled out my trusty pH meter, the one I keep in my bag for just these situations. Took a sample from her mop bucket, and the reading didn’t lie. The water itself was acidic.
“Your marble’s being eaten alive every time you mop,” I told her. “You’re not cleaning, you’re slowly etching.”
Her jaw dropped.
“You mean it’s the water? The tap water?”
“Afraid so. You’ve been giving your marble a daily acid bath without knowing it. Might as well have been mopping with lemonade.”
The Solution
Once she picked her jaw up off the floor, I explained what to do:
- Use distilled water for mopping.
- Or install a neutralizing filter.
“Stop feeding the stone acid and it’ll thank you.”
She sighed. “All this time I blamed the poor cleaner.”
“Don’t worry,” I said, slipping my fedora back on. “Happens more than you’d think. In this business, it’s rarely the usual suspect. Sometimes the bad guy’s hiding in plain sight, right in your tap.”
Back at the Diner
I left her there staring at the floor, already planning how to fix the damage. By the time I got back to the Greasy Spoon, Flo just shook her head.
“Another case?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, sliding back onto my stool. “Turns out marble doesn’t like a splash of acid with its morning mop.”
She poured me another cup of sludge, and I raised it like a toast. To marble, mysteries, and bad water.
